Tuesday, March 04, 2025
ESSAY - MY LIFE WITH ADHD
BY DONOVAN BALDWIN
My life with adult (and childhood) ADD/ADHD.
I spent the first years of my life being told I was "lazy", or "not working to my potential"... and also my parents were told and they told me too. Most of the time I loved learning but was incredibly bored with how the material was presented... and I have no idea how many times I got in trouble for looking out of the window, especially when I had already grasped the meaning, context, or information.
Life in the U. S. Army (21 years), especially that time spent as a platoon sergeant was miserable, although I loved being in the army, but, if there was ever a person with an ongoing case of "imposter syndrome", it was me.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 60's, although I had long suspected that was the problem... one of them, at least. I first took medicine for it, Adderall, then, and was blown away. I never knew my mind was that capable.
I reveled in the feelings for a while. It was an unbelievable experience to hang onto a thought for longer than a few seconds (except when writing, as now). I was in awe of my newfound ability to actually look at a row of books and pick out individual titles and authors, and think about them as individual items and ideas, rather than a blur of unconnected inputs.
And, aside, part of being able to hang on to a thought while writing, is being able to go back, read what I have already said, and be able to "pick up" the train of thought. Also, the predictive nature of typing especially... my fingers and brain have already agreed on the next thoughts and words.
Anyway, after a while, I retired. The medicine was not good for my blood pressure, and, I wanted to let my creative brain play anyway... so I quit them.
I miss the meds sometimes.
Last night, for example, I read the same paragraph twice... simply because at the end of it, although I remembered the premise, I had forgotten the words. So, this morning, I went back and read it again... except... halfway through, I decided to write this... starting with some nebulous idea about having read the paragraph 2 1/2 times...
Wonder what it says...
Guess I'll go back and read it again. I really liked it... I think.
Wonder what I intended to say when I started this....
Guess I'll have to go back and read what I wrote to find out... if I said whatever it was I meant to say.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 60's, although I had long suspected that was the problem... one of them, at least. I first took medicine for it, Adderall, then, and was blown away. I never knew my mind was that capable.
I reveled in the feelings for a while. It was an unbelievable experience to hang onto a thought for longer than a few seconds (except when writing, as now). I was in awe of my newfound ability to actually look at a row of books and pick out individual titles and authors, and think about them as individual items and ideas, rather than a blur of unconnected inputs.
And, aside, part of being able to hang on to a thought while writing, is being able to go back, read what I have already said, and be able to "pick up" the train of thought. Also, the predictive nature of typing especially... my fingers and brain have already agreed on the next thoughts and words.
Anyway, after a while, I retired. The medicine was not good for my blood pressure, and, I wanted to let my creative brain play anyway... so I quit them.
I miss the meds sometimes.
Last night, for example, I read the same paragraph twice... simply because at the end of it, although I remembered the premise, I had forgotten the words. So, this morning, I went back and read it again... except... halfway through, I decided to write this... starting with some nebulous idea about having read the paragraph 2 1/2 times...
Wonder what it says...
Guess I'll go back and read it again. I really liked it... I think.
Wonder what I intended to say when I started this....
Guess I'll have to go back and read what I wrote to find out... if I said whatever it was I meant to say.
Anyway, I've forgotten what the paragraph was about.
Oh well. Welcome to my world.
Oh well. Welcome to my world.
Is this where I'm supposed to say, "Look! A squirrel!!!"
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SPONSORED BY REVITOL SKINCARE PRODUCTS
Labels: Adderall, ADHD, army, donovan baldwin, essay, forgetting, imposter syndrome, platoon sergeant, remembering
Sunday, March 02, 2025
POEM - I WILL NOT WRITE THE WORDS
BY DONOVAN BALDWIN
I will not write the words,
My heart says to speak, for,
Those words hold power,
To open secret doors, and
Crumble mountains into dust.
I will not write the words,
I would have you hear, for,
That would cause both pain,
And, doubled would pain be,
When felt by both apart.
I will not write the words,
That touch so deep within, for,
They speak of hopes that,
Are not mine to give, and,
I am not brave enough to say.
I will not speak the words,
I long so much to speak, for,
They promise of tomorrow,
A real tomorrow over which,
You and I have no control.
I will not speak the words,
As I blindly gaze at mountains, for,
So much stands between me and thee,
And I dare not take that step,
Towards the destruction of my dream.
Labels: donovan baldwin, poem, poetry, power, words
Saturday, March 01, 2025
ESSAY: READING AS EXERCISE, HITTING "THE WALL"
BY DONOVAN BALDWIN
Thinking Out Loud:
I recently bought a book with an interesting title at a second hand book store. Of course, I read some snippets before deciding I wanted to know more. Also, since it was only $4.99, why not?
As I began reading, I was pleased to find the author's presentation interesting, engaging, logical, and lucid. However, as I progressed, I noticed two "negative" things.
First, his position in many instances was antithetical to mine, and second, he had some very telling arguments for HIS side.
Bummer, dude.
My first instincts were frustration and anger, and I was tempted to put the book aside, sell it back to the bookstore.
However, I thought about it.
In exercise, and running is a good example, and I was once able to run 6 miles/9.65 km, we often hit what some refer to as "the wall". We become stronger by going through that wall.
Our body reaches a new reality for itself, and we discover that we are able to do more than before. We can also become healthier through this process.
If I do not exercise not only my body, but also my mind, my beliefs, and positions, how can I be sure of their validity and strength?
In the army, one lesson was that I can do a lot more than I think I can. In learning and intellectual growth, we become stronger by meeting challenges and working past them. I can do better than quit when things get tough.
So, I guess I'll read my way through "the wall" with that book, rather than throwing it AT the wall.
I recently bought a book with an interesting title at a second hand book store. Of course, I read some snippets before deciding I wanted to know more. Also, since it was only $4.99, why not?
As I began reading, I was pleased to find the author's presentation interesting, engaging, logical, and lucid. However, as I progressed, I noticed two "negative" things.
First, his position in many instances was antithetical to mine, and second, he had some very telling arguments for HIS side.
Bummer, dude.
My first instincts were frustration and anger, and I was tempted to put the book aside, sell it back to the bookstore.
However, I thought about it.
In exercise, and running is a good example, and I was once able to run 6 miles/9.65 km, we often hit what some refer to as "the wall". We become stronger by going through that wall.
Our body reaches a new reality for itself, and we discover that we are able to do more than before. We can also become healthier through this process.
If I do not exercise not only my body, but also my mind, my beliefs, and positions, how can I be sure of their validity and strength?
In the army, one lesson was that I can do a lot more than I think I can. In learning and intellectual growth, we become stronger by meeting challenges and working past them. I can do better than quit when things get tough.
So, I guess I'll read my way through "the wall" with that book, rather than throwing it AT the wall.
SPONSORED BY REVITOL SKINCARE PRODUCTS
Labels: author, bookstore, donovan baldwin, essay on reading, poet, reading, secondhand bookstore
