Tuesday, March 04, 2025
ESSAY - MY LIFE WITH ADHD
BY DONOVAN BALDWIN
My life with adult (and childhood) ADD/ADHD.
I spent the first years of my life being told I was "lazy", or "not working to my potential"... and also my parents were told and they told me too. Most of the time I loved learning but was incredibly bored with how the material was presented... and I have no idea how many times I got in trouble for looking out of the window, especially when I had already grasped the meaning, context, or information.
Life in the U. S. Army (21 years), especially that time spent as a platoon sergeant was miserable, although I loved being in the army, but, if there was ever a person with an ongoing case of "imposter syndrome", it was me.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 60's, although I had long suspected that was the problem... one of them, at least. I first took medicine for it, Adderall, then, and was blown away. I never knew my mind was that capable.
I reveled in the feelings for a while. It was an unbelievable experience to hang onto a thought for longer than a few seconds (except when writing, as now). I was in awe of my newfound ability to actually look at a row of books and pick out individual titles and authors, and think about them as individual items and ideas, rather than a blur of unconnected inputs.
And, aside, part of being able to hang on to a thought while writing, is being able to go back, read what I have already said, and be able to "pick up" the train of thought. Also, the predictive nature of typing especially... my fingers and brain have already agreed on the next thoughts and words.
Anyway, after a while, I retired. The medicine was not good for my blood pressure, and, I wanted to let my creative brain play anyway... so I quit them.
I miss the meds sometimes.
Last night, for example, I read the same paragraph twice... simply because at the end of it, although I remembered the premise, I had forgotten the words. So, this morning, I went back and read it again... except... halfway through, I decided to write this... starting with some nebulous idea about having read the paragraph 2 1/2 times...
Wonder what it says...
Guess I'll go back and read it again. I really liked it... I think.
Wonder what I intended to say when I started this....
Guess I'll have to go back and read what I wrote to find out... if I said whatever it was I meant to say.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 60's, although I had long suspected that was the problem... one of them, at least. I first took medicine for it, Adderall, then, and was blown away. I never knew my mind was that capable.
I reveled in the feelings for a while. It was an unbelievable experience to hang onto a thought for longer than a few seconds (except when writing, as now). I was in awe of my newfound ability to actually look at a row of books and pick out individual titles and authors, and think about them as individual items and ideas, rather than a blur of unconnected inputs.
And, aside, part of being able to hang on to a thought while writing, is being able to go back, read what I have already said, and be able to "pick up" the train of thought. Also, the predictive nature of typing especially... my fingers and brain have already agreed on the next thoughts and words.
Anyway, after a while, I retired. The medicine was not good for my blood pressure, and, I wanted to let my creative brain play anyway... so I quit them.
I miss the meds sometimes.
Last night, for example, I read the same paragraph twice... simply because at the end of it, although I remembered the premise, I had forgotten the words. So, this morning, I went back and read it again... except... halfway through, I decided to write this... starting with some nebulous idea about having read the paragraph 2 1/2 times...
Wonder what it says...
Guess I'll go back and read it again. I really liked it... I think.
Wonder what I intended to say when I started this....
Guess I'll have to go back and read what I wrote to find out... if I said whatever it was I meant to say.
Anyway, I've forgotten what the paragraph was about.
Oh well. Welcome to my world.
Oh well. Welcome to my world.
Is this where I'm supposed to say, "Look! A squirrel!!!"
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SPONSORED BY REVITOL SKINCARE PRODUCTS
Labels: Adderall, ADHD, army, donovan baldwin, essay, forgetting, imposter syndrome, platoon sergeant, remembering
# posted by Donovan Baldwin @ 4:02 PM 
